“When you lose the ego and that aspect of who you are as a person, you become your true self. Self-actualization is truly who we really are in the mind and in the spirit, and the body is something we use as a projectile of what we want to do…” –Nick Terranova
Fiction. Based on a True Birthday
This journal entry is inspired by true events. Some of the characters, names, businesses, incidents, and certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes. Any similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely coincidental and unintentional
Another year passes, and you reflect on where you are now. You don’t feel any older despite being tired all the time and feeling new aches, but you don’t tell your parents because they will just tell you that it’ll get worse when you’re their age.
Still doesn’t mean that you can’t wake up feeling like an old woman trapped in a young person’s body.
You almost forgot your birthday again. Last year it was buried under piles of stress. This year you remembered and kept it tucked close. You had adult things to do, so you didn’t have much time to relax like you wanted to. It also felt like fewer and fewer people remembered it was your birthday and wished you happy birthday. Each year it seems to get quieter and quieter as if existing in the world another year is less important. Or so you think to yourself. Deep down you wish there was more fanfare and hurt that not all of your friends remembered, but what can you do? You swallow those small disappointments and keep the pettiness to yourself. You know you are loved, but the small notion of being forgotten by someone stokes the embers of being ignored.
At least there’s cake.
You try to focus on those who did remember and not worry about those who didn’t remember. Or those who are your friends but who have never wished you a happy birthday even though you always remember when theirs’ is.
The selfishness raises its head even though you try to keep it down. It’s never going to be a perfect day, but it still hurts when those you wish to hear from don’t seem to acknowledge you. Not quite “kid who invited a bunch of people to their party, but no one came” kind of pain, but it still stings. The number of comments on your Facebook or the number of texts you got turn the celebration into a quantitative competition and tally sheet.
Seems you haven’t quite outgrown the feelings of being overlooked or unacknowledged. Those two words seem to be what you want to validate your existence and fill some void you still carry inside even though you know it’s only like cotton candy on the tongue, dissolving quickly and leaving you wanting more.
You don’t seem to be happy with what you got and focus on how your expectations weren’t met even though you would never admit that to anyone out loud. You don’t seem to be happy with the new day and fresh air in your lungs, that you’ve seen another year pass, or that you were able to spend time with your family and a few friends. You crave something more, and you don’t really know what that something is.
You’ll work on trying to grow out of it. You have a whole year to improve.